| I think I'm returning to Xanga, after over a year of absence.
I can't even begin to describe to you how dramatically different my life is now than it was a year and a half ago. I was reading over my old entries and I am so happy to not be in that place anymore, to have abandoned all those negative things in my life.
First off, I finally beat my disorder. I'll never of course be fully recovered, because there will always be an opportunity for relapse. I haven't relapsed in a very long time, I'm at a healthy weight right now, and I feel fantastic. I'm okay with not being in the double digits, with not having every rib on my body stick out, and enjoying the finer things in life. It's been a hard road, beating something that encompassed every thought of my life. But I couldn't be happier, and I couldn't be at a better place. I hope this gives everyone encouragement that eating disorders do not have to consume your life. I struggled with one for 7 years, and I have overcome the addiction to starving myself and the addiction to be thin. Thin is not my main priority in life anymore.
I'm 18 and a freshman at Samford University. I moved a long way from home, but I am so happy with my decision. I'm a Piano Performance and Pedagogy minor, with a minor in Philosophy. Music and the ability to practice and play piano played a huge role in my recovery. I honestly do not think I could have recovered without having my piano right there. It was my therapy, that one thing that was constant through everything.
I got injured about 6 weeks ago. I have tendonitis and irritated nerves in both wrists, and that's really been hard on me. I'm in a splint, taking anti-inflammatories, steroids, and shots to try and reduce the swelling of my tendons. I've had to stop practicing my usual 3-4 hours a day, and have cut down to only 1 hour a day. It's not really the constant pain and numbness that's bothering me, but the emotional roller coaster I've been on. It has been very hard dealing with losing something you love so much. I got up every morning to practice and make great music, that's all I wanted to do and that's all I want to do now. It's hard not having that outlet there, not being able to play or share your love of music with others. But, I'm learning to be a musician in other ways. I know that only time can heal my wrists. I just have to be patient...
I just love life, despite my injury. I couldn't be in a better place for being a young adult. I'm so excited for what the future holds for me, and I can't wait to make an impact on the world and be an inspiration to other girls and individuals out there. My disorder was deeply rooted in my past, and things that happened in my childhood, and although it's a daily battle to forgive and to be healthy, it's one that I'm willing to fight. |
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| I turn 17 tomorrow.
It's surreal.
One year till I'm legal, one more year of high school, one more year till I'm out.
I don't want it to rain and I really want to stay 16. |
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| "That paradox would begin to run my life: to know that what you are doing is hurting you, maybe killing you, and to be afraid of that fact- but to cling to the idea that this in the end will save you, it will, in the end, make things okay."
I'm a hormonal disaster. |
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[Sorry the pictures are small and blurry.]
Prom was Saturday night.
I had an amazing time.
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| I'm surviving...barely.
But I promise that I am okay.
I want to give this up so badly.
This disease that's infecting my soul.
You can say that you let go,
but actually letting go and living it out is another story.
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